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Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,   so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay
raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.    If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.   They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

           Compassionate Leave

           This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
           for dead   friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort
           should be made to have   non-employees attend to the
           arrangements.   In rare cases where employee involvement is
           necessary, the funeral   should be scheduled in the late
           afternoon. We will be glad to allow you  to work through your
           lunch break and subsequently leave one hour early.

           Toilet Use

           1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There
           is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

           2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
           paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your
           picture will be   taken.

           3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on
           the company notice board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’
           category.

           4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned
           under the company’s mental health policy.

           Lunch Break

           1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
           more so that they can look healthy.

           2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
           balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

           3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all
           the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

           Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an
           employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive
           employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
           concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
           insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
           consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

            Regards

           Your Management Team