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Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Most people know that Descarte said, “I think, therefore I am.” What most people don’t know is that that quote continues, “…afraid of Chuck Norris.”

Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as “acts of God.”

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: “Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris”

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Count from one to ten. That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you…Fourty seven times.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.

Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.