Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Crime does not pay – unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
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You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Whoever said “only the good die young” was probably in Chuck Norris’s kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
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Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem– It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
If you rearrange the letters in “Chuck Norris”, they also spell “Crush Rock In”. The words “with his fists” are understood.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Fact: Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman survives.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
In the movie “The Matrix”, Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green “falling code” scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
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Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot — and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.
The Bible was originally titled “Chuck Norris and Friends”
Chuck Norris doesn’t have blood. He is filled with magma.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China’s over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
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Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
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