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Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin’ about.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris doesn’t step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris’ first visit to Tokyo.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

“Brokeback Mountain” is not just a movie. It’s also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

In the beginning there was nothing…then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.

“Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” was originally written as Chuck Norris’ theme song.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court.He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.