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Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Movie trivia: The movie “Invasion U.S.A.” is, in fact, a documentary.

As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because “The Sum of All Fears” is the name of Chuck Norris’ autobiography.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”

The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

The movie “Delta Force” was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris doesn’t own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is “his” way.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

CNN was originally created as the “Chuck Norris Network” to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.