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Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. It’s decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris’ credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?